Ouch!

This morning my youngest {he turns 12 the end of this year} found his cat dead. First pet he’s ever lost, so he’s devastated. I’ve spent all day trying to console him. So, what were my great words of comfort?

“I’m sorry, baby. It’s part of life. I know it hurts, but life goes on. There will be more pets, someday. Try to remember all of the good times you two shared.”

*face palm*

Seriously? That’s the best I could do?

When did I become so jaded?

Hell! I know how it happened. The question is when?

Admittedly life has always been one battle after another for me. I never had any encouragement from my parents or anyone but my grandpa growing up and I rarely got to see him. Long story short: I’m used to doing everything alone. When a kid can’t even depend on their family, said kid learns to depend on his/herself.

But, since when did I let that affect how I respond to my children? My sons are my entire world. The sole reason I even bother trying to make a life for myself anymore. He needed me and that’s the best I could offer him…

That cat was his best friend. They did everything together.

I try hard never to let my past intrude on how I respond to my kids. Demons from my past are my own burdens to deal with. I never let it touch my kids! So, why now?

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I’ve lost track of how many teenagers I’ve helped over the years by listening to their problems.Some of them have tracked me down after having their own kids and thanked me for being there for them.

But, my own kid needs me and that was the best I could offer?

What the hell is wrong with me? That’s not what he needed to hear.

I remember when I lost my bird {I was his age then too.} my best friend Byron Simpson helped me bury Baby in a shoebox, in the apartment complex and even said a prayer with me for Baby.

My youngest and I buried his cat and said a prayer, then I held him while he cried. Meanwhile, despite my heart breaking for his pain, my eyes remained dry.

I learned long ago crying doesn’t fix anything and so I stopped crying 98% of the time. I stopped relying on others too. For a long time now. Another wonderful lesson learned the hard way.  If I don’t rely in others they can’t let me down.

I only ever open the real me to a select few people {you know who you are.} Even then I still try to do everything alone.

I never expected to see the day when it affected how I handle my children. God! I’m such a horrible mother. 😦

All I ever asked for during my prayers growing up was to find a good man who love and respected me faults and all and to let me be a good mother to my children. I just want to give my children what I never had. Is that too much to ask?

As writers, we’re told to share ourselves with our readers and our followers. Let them see we are human. So, that’s why I shared this. One of my worst times. I’m human. I make mistakes. Never expected them to be with my kids.

Oh well, live and learn.

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About kittyb78

Catrina Barton is a licensed Kung-Fu Instructor of the Black Dragon style, and draws on that experience to make her fight scenes both realistic and action packed. She enjoys being surrounded by the stark beauty of mother nature. Whether it's a moon-lit starry sky, or a picnic by a peaceful waterfall cascading from the mountain side. Growing up no matter where she was physically, she always had at least one book in her hands and spent every free moment lost in a book. It's only natural that as she grew up, her passion for reading grew into an even stronger passion for writing, especially Young Adult Paranormal Romances. She is a proud member of many writing and marketing groups, and an active participant at Critique Circle and several other crit groups. Favorite personal quote: "An author cannot grow without both constructive criticism and encouragement."

7 responses »

  1. Gerri Bowen says:

    Those times just pop up and we aren’t ready for them. Even if you had a wonderful speech planned, he probably wouldn’t have heard it all. But he heard your tone of voice and felt the love in your arms as you held him. that’s good.

    • kittyb78 says:

      Hi Gerri! How’s your writing going?
      Thanks for taking time to comment.
      I hope so. Beginning to wonder if I’m capable of offering comfort anymore. 😛

  2. I don’t think it makes you a horrible mother. I know I’m too practical with my kids, having grown up in a household that didn’t much go in for empathy. What makes you an excellent mother is realising your words weren’t the ones your son needed, and doing something about it. You were there for him and he will remember that AND he’ll remember that life does go on.

  3. Thank you for being so honest, and I agree with the others, at least you could see the issue and you worked hard to make amends. Move on and grow from it; that’s all you can do.

  4. Homepage says:

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